


I Wish It Was Me

by pointless



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Jealousy, M/M, eric is just a random oc bc there was no one else to use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 04:34:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13228176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pointless/pseuds/pointless
Summary: At Watford, Simon finds out that Baz has a boyfriend. It takes some time for him to realize why it bothers him so much... and then he does.





	I Wish It Was Me

Baz has been acting odd recently. It’s like he’s almost... happy. Which is the weirdest thing in the world to see. I’ll try to start an argument as we usually do, but he just shrugs it off (I thought I was the one that shrugged) or completely ignores me. He has to be up to something. He’s probably figured out how to kill me for good this time.

He’s started hanging out with new people, too. Well not people, but one person. It’s some kid the year below us, named Eric. He’s in potions class with us, and Baz has started to sit next to him. They must know each other from football, because he’s not from the old families. They sit right in front of me, so I have to watch them quietly whisper and laugh with each other the whole hour. It’s terrible. Maybe Baz thinks of him as a new minion. They’re probably making fun of me and plotting together now.

***

It’s been two weeks of Baz sitting in front of me in potions. He’s still acting strange, ignoring me even more than he already was. Yesterday he was actually _smiling_ at his desk. Well, at least until he caught me staring. Then he scowled. But it was actually more comforting to see him the way that I’m used to.

It’s been two weeks when I’m lying with my head on the desk (lectures are boring), when I spot movement in the corner of my eye. I look up and see- aleister _crowley. They’re holding hands._

I have to cover up my mouth to keep myself from gasping. I sit up and nudge Penny frantically to receive an annoyed glare from her. _What?_ She mouths roundly. I point at Eric and Baz.

She just looks the two of them up and down, nods as if this somehow makes any sense, and shrugs. I’m still sitting with my mouth wide open (Baz calls me a mouth breather often, but can you really blame me this time?). She just turns her head back to the front of the class.

When the bell rings, Baz and Eric grab their bags and walk out, holding hands again.

“How are you not surprised, Penny?” I ask.

“Well he’s never had a girlfriend.” She put her things away without looking at me.

“But he liked Agatha,” I point out.

“I’m pretty sure he just did that to mess with you, Simon.”

I sigh loudly. “Okay but how did I not know he was gay?”

Penny looks at me as if I’ve said something stupid (maybe I have). “Simon, you guys hardly talk as it is. When has he ever told you something personal? You’ve been accusing him of being a vampire for years now. That’s not someone I would tell my deepest secrets.”

“That’s because he _is_ a vampire. Still…,” I fade off. “I feel like I should’ve known _that._ ”

I know him better than anyone. Or, I did.

***

Baz hasn’t been sleeping in our room for a few weeks. I’m assuming that he stays with Eric. Perks of being gay, I guess. I should be happy; I’m always complaining about Baz being my roommate. But I don’t like being alone. It’s just quiet all of the time now. Not that we talked much before… we completely ignored each other. But, still. Penny says I should be happy that they’re not staying in my room because she has to deal with Trixie and Keris all of the time and having two roommates is way worse than one. She says I should feel bad for the other guy in Eric’s room. She’s right, though. I definitely don’t want Eric staying in here.

Eric isn’t bad looking at all. He’s tall, about Baz’s height. He has dark skin and dark brown hair. But he doesn’t seem like _Baz’s_ type. They just don’t… match for some reason. I always imagined Baz with well, first of all, a girl, but also someone that was somehow perfect as him. That’s why it bothered me so much when he hit on Agatha all the time. Because they could actually make sense together. Eric is just, mediocre in comparison to Baz.

I’m lying in my bed when the door opens. I sit up when Baz walks in.

“Well look who decided to show up,” I say. There’s a bite in my voice and I’m not completely sure why, but I’m annoyed with him.

Baz just stops and looks at me incredulously. “This _is_ my room, Snow.”

“Doesn’t seem like it recently. Why doesn’t Eric ever sleep over here?”

“Are you really going to ask me that?” His eyebrows knit together. “Maybe because you’re my arch-nemesis and I don’t exactly want to spend time with my boyfriend around you.”

 _Boyfriend._ He called him his boyfriend. I feel like I just got punched in the stomach, and I don’t know why but I’m suddenly close to going off, the magic rising to the surface of my skin.

“I know you have some sort of plan,” I shoot out of nowhere. “You’re probably staying away to plot my demise.”

“Crowley, Snow. Not everything is about you just because you’re the ‘chosen one’ or whatever.” Baz is now hurriedly grabbing his clothes into a bag, probably to get away from me. “I don’t need to plot your demise. Your enough of an imbecile to ruin yourself.”

I cross my arms stubbornly. “Well, he seems like a jerk,” I huff.

Baz stops moving to look straight at me. “Aren’t I a jerk, Simon? I guess he’s exactly what I deserve. Why can’t you just let me be happy for once?”

I can’t find any words. Baz just zips up his bag and walks out, slamming the door behind him. His words still ring in my head. It felt so personal, as if there was more to what he was saying. _He’s not what you deserve_ , I think. _You deserve so much more_ . And _Simon._ He called me Simon.

***

It’s been two weeks since Baz and I fought. We fight all the time, but this is completely different. He’s somehow found a way to ignore me even more than he already was. Except now, I don’t try to pick any fights. And he doesn’t seem very happy. I feel dreadful.

I ask my Greek teacher if I can go to the toilet because I honestly feel like I might throw up, but I take my stuff with me because I’ll probably just go lie in bed. That’s when I turn the corner and spot them: Baz and Eric are kissing. Baz is leaning against the wall, his arms around Eric’s waist. And Eric’s arms are on either side of Baz’s head. I’m the only one in the hallway to see it. I drop my book on the ground and the sound echoes throughout the hall. They both stop and turn around. I know they’ve already seen me, but I grab my book and run. I run as fast as I can. I feel hot tears running down my cheeks as I bolt across the school. I’m sobbing by the time I stop and slide onto the floor of the third floor bathroom.

I can still see them in my head. Kissing. Baz’s arms around him. His hands in Baz’s hair. Baz’s hair has always looked so soft… I’ve thought about just reaching out and running my fingers through it. I think I’m crying even harder now.

I think I’m in love with Baz Pitch.

***

It’s been another two weeks since I saw them. It’s been two weeks of being in love with Baz. Or at least, knowing that I’m in love with Baz. It’s probably been a lot longer than that.

Penny wasn’t very surprised when I told her. She’s just been supportive of me. I asked her if I should just go and tell him, but she immediately told me no. It would be wrong of me to come between Baz’s relationship. She’s right… And there wouldn’t be any use anyway. How could Baz love his enemy?

He and his boyfriend have been acting differently, though. They still sometimes hold hands in class (and I’m still stuck watching it), but they don’t whisper as much. They don’t giggle during lectures anymore. Baz doesn’t seem as happy. A big part of me hopes that they’ve gotten bored of each other and they’ll break up. In the end though, I really just want Baz to be happy.

But then Baz started coming back to our room and sleeping in his own bed again. They stopped holding hands in class. They don’t walk together in the hallways anymore. Then Baz moves back to his old seat, behind me. However, we don’t go back to our old ways. Baz still ignores me just as much. It almost feels like he already knows that I’m in love with him and he can’t stand the sight of me. He seems upset and angry and I wish I could fix it, fix him. I can’t take it anymore.

“Baz,” I say just loudly enough for him to hear. He still doesn’t look my way. “I’m sorry, okay? I was an ass.”

He turns to face away from me on his bed. It’s nearly one in the morning, but I know he isn’t asleep.

“Hey,” I try again. When he doesn’t respond, I reach over and nudge his shoulder.

“What, Snow? We broke up, are you happy now?” His voice cracks mid-sentence and I think my heart breaks with it.

“You’re not,” I’m crying now, which is ridiculous, because nothing has even happened. Baz turns over and looks at me.

“Are you _crying?”_ He sounds surprised.

“Yeah, I don’t… I just… I saw you that day, in the hallway.”

“I know, we saw you too.”

“It made me realize why I was really upset about you dating someone.”

Baz is silent for a moment. I almost don’t catch his voice when he speaks.

“Why?”

I can’t bring myself to say it. “Why did you break up?”

We’re looking at each other now. His raven hair is splayed against the pillow in a lazy wave. Dark eyes are looking deep into mine. I know he’s debating whether or not he should tell me the truth. His lips are just slightly parted…

“I realized that I wasn’t over someone. And I don’t think I ever will be.”

He’s close enough to touch. I do. I run my hands through his hair. It really is soft. His eyes are wide.

I answer him, “I realized that I might be in love with you.”

And then he pulls me into him and kisses me. His mouth is colder than I expected, but it makes me feel more alive than ever. I end up on his bed, on all fours above him. He's reaching to kiss me, his hand around my neck and mine in his hair. I eventually end up lying next to him. 

"I really am sorry," I say softly. He kisses me on the temple.

"It's okay, Snow. He really was kind of a jerk."

Baz's smile does all sorts of wonderful things to me.

"You called me Simon before."

He just kisses me again and I don't stop myself from smiling into it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This idea randomly hit me last night and I HAD to write it. I don't really like writing kissing scenes or endings, but I tried. Anyway, I hope you liked it and happy new year :)


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